As Generation X and Generation Y begin their descent into suburban baby-making careerism, we’re seeing a whole new classification of lifestyle capitalism popping up around their materialistic, self-entitled parenting. Which, of course, is just an extension of their materialism and sense of self-entitlement in a general sense.
I don’t need to rattle off a whole list of examples because they’re all around us, and you just have to take a baby-conscious look around you to see what I mean. In fairness to my peers, they haven’t invented this. They’re just following the example of their parents. This stuff has actually been gurgling to the surface since the baby boomers started popping out babies from their second marriages, circa 1990. Proof, once again, that the baby boomers ruined everything, squandered their generation’s time in power, and generally sabotaged everything they collectively stood for. But that’s a story for a different day.
What’s grinding my gears this particular day is a gorgeous case-in-point from Slate Magazine, which is always a pretty good barometer of thought-leadership amongst the Whole Foods class: Sippin’ On Milk and Juice — Searching for the best sippy cup on the market.
Before we go any further, note that the headline is a Snoop (Doggy) Dogg reference. Here’s the lead:
Ever since our 2-year-old son, Angus, stopped breast-feeding, my wife and I have served him milk in sippy cups. Now and then, we leave one in the bottom of a bag or the back seat of our car, only to find the receptacle days—or, in several memorable cases, weeks—later, the contents curdled and foul. A run through the dishwasher takes care of the cup, but when there’s a leak, we’re tempted to declare Angus lactose-intolerant and put him on a strict water diet. (For the record, it’s impossible to completely eliminate the odor of rancid milk from car upholstery.)
But I hear calcium is good for the bones. So after an especially nasty cleanup, I quelled the desire to deprive my son of milk from here on out and scoured the marketplace for a truly leakproof cup for kids.
Right off the bat we’ve got a trendy baby name, ironic detachment (from parenting…a hell of a thing from which to be ironically detached), and some bitching and moaning about the car getting messed up. What follows is a faux Consumer Reports breakdown of the rubrick and testing for a number of sippy cups. Graded on Leakproofness (is that allowed in Scrabble?), Ease of Care, Ease of Use, and unsurprisingly, Style. There’s a lot of BPA-panic going on, too.
Sippy cups from various designer brands are reviewed:
- Foogo — Designer Thermos-branded containers for babies; the website promises that their products will reduce food-borne illness. They also use the Ivy League (status!) to back up their claims. Were you aware that Cornell University did a study on this and Foogo came out on top? Yeah. Me neither.
- Sigg — I will let the Slate piece speak for itself on this: “The SIGG was the surprise flop of this experiment. Maybe it’s the overexposure: Just as a regular SIGG water bottle is a must-have for any eco-chic celebrity, the company’s kid bottle has become the sippy of choice for the likes of Cindy Crawford and Madonna.” In other words, how can it not be the best one? It’s an eco-chic product!
- Dr. Brown’s — Generic baby product. Needless to say, its poor style scores torpedoed its candidacy. By the way, if style scores were not counted, this would have come in second place. It’s also the cheapest one of the bunch, by quite a bit. And let’s be honest. There’s no way that it was going to win if it was cheap.
- The Safe Sippy — I have nothing snappy to say about this one. Actually, I do. It kind of looks like a dildo. Which seems appropriate.
- Nalgene — The old bo-bo standby. It won. It costs almost $9. Meh.
The article has the reek of a pay-to-blog vibe about it. I’m a little puzzled as to why someone who cops to leaving sippy cups unwashed for weeks at a time is investing in quality on this one. If you treat your stuff like crap, wouldn’t you want to have cheap stuff? Never mind the fact that kids will lose anything if it’s not attached to their body. I can’t help but wonder if this whole exercise is all about getting the sippy cup equivalent of the latest brushed aluminum yuppie tchotchke?
Babies as fashion accessories. I will never understand what makes my generation tick.